"Why I'm divorced.

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"Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:34 pm



"Why I'm divorced." Written by a woman. Enjoy!....


That morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband
would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a
small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little
better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful
day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....

on the couch....


naked.
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:35 pm

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy married again, and this time, she and John had 5 children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret,

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel!"
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:36 pm

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other
toads," he begs her. "I'm worried because I'm so visible to predators. The stress is killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except.....for his weenie, which is still yellow.
"Hang on lady," he says to the fairy godmother,
"My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very
same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!"
says the purple bear, "I can't mate with any bearesses 'cause they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fair godmother,
"My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies,"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, isn't?" the bear replies,
"How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........

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you know what's coming don't you ?
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you'll be sorry you ever gave me your email address after this....
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she flew off, saying.......

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

A GROANER FOR SURE!!!!!!
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:37 pm

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:37 pm

The Wonderful Husband.... Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me... R u at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $980,000/-.' MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:39 pm


Baby's First Doctor Visit




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..


'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,


But I'm glad I came.
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:40 pm

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT RENEWED YESTERDAY

......and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear!!!

I still don't think I looked that bad.
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:43 pm

Teacher/Student
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Re: "Why I'm divorced.

Post by retired2 on Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:45 pm

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT,SASK.(( A~TRUE~STORY.))





DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT?TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly

payments of $560.00).He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen.These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the

decoys to float on.Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more

power than the average drill auger can produce.So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting

the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick ofdynamite as far away as possible.Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!!Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of

speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble

stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,

keeps coming.One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a

moment, slightly confused then continues on.Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,

thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the Navigator touches the

dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the Navigator and takes off after his master.Then''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM''''''''''!!!!The Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing

there with...... 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is

NOT COVERED by the policy.He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...In case you are wondering...The dog is okay.Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix..AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND?/
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