O nly T he I rish H ave J okes L ike T hese

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O nly T he I rish H ave J okes L ike T hese

Post by retired2 on Sat Jul 04, 2015 11:15 am


O nly T he I rish H ave J okes L ike T hese
I nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" W hat happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" J amie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" T hat little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
" T hat he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" W ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
T hat I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*****************************************


A n Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" S o," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
" W hy, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" W ell," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" O h, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
" F or a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*****************************************************


B renda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
" O f course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
" T hat's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" O h, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
F inally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" I t was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim .
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."
************************************


M ary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
H e says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
S he says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
T he priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
S he says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
***********************************


AND T HE B EST F OR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
T he Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
T he drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
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retired2
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