Do These Apply

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Do These Apply

Post by retired2 on Wed Jun 17, 2015 8:57 pm

· I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
· Old age is coming at a really bad time!
· When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
· The biggest lie I tell myself is .... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
· Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
 
· I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm just very wise.
 
· My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work..
 
· Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
 
· If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
 
· The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.
 
· I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
 
· When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
 
· I've lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!
 
· Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
 
· Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 
· Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
 
· Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
 
· Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
 
· At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
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Re: Do These Apply

Post by retired2 on Wed Jun 17, 2015 8:58 pm

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is."
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Re: Do These Apply

Post by observer on Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:18 pm

REALLY like that second one - tho they were all funny!
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