YOU NEED A LAUGH - YOU GOT IT

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YOU NEED A LAUGH - YOU GOT IT

Post by retired2 on Tue May 05, 2015 9:19 pm

[size=48]An elderly couple[/size]  had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a  new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'  
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'  
The first man thought and thought and finally said,  'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'  
'Do you mean a rose?'  
'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'  
 



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he   d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.  
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'  
 



[size=48]Couple in their nineties[/size]  are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…  
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.  
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'  
'Sure..'  
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.  
'No, I can remember it.'  
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so   as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.  
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'  
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,   The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.  
'Where's my toast ? '  
 



[size=48]A senior citizen[/size]  said to his eighty-year old buddy:  
'So I hear you're getting married?'  
'Yep!'  
'Do I know her?'  
'Nope!'  
'This  woman, is she good looking?'  
'Not really.'  
'Is she a good cook?'  
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'  
'Does she have lots of money?'  
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'  
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'  
'I don't know.'  
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'  
'Because she can still drive!'  
 



[size=48]Three old guys[/size]  are out walking.  
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'  
 



[size=48]A man[/size]  was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'  
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is  it?'  
'Twelve thirty..'  
[size=48]A little old man[/size]  shuffled slowly into  an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'  
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Re: YOU NEED A LAUGH - YOU GOT IT

Post by retired2 on Tue May 05, 2015 9:29 pm

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.



He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."
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Re: YOU NEED A LAUGH - YOU GOT IT

Post by gale force on Wed May 06, 2015 9:10 am

Ludwig was a new one to me - very funny! The others I've heard and enjoyed before but always nice to see them again. Thanks Retired for my morning chuckle.
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Re: YOU NEED A LAUGH - YOU GOT IT

Post by retired2 on Wed May 06, 2015 10:24 am

It gets harder to get brand new ones anymore, but some are good for a second round
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Re: YOU NEED A LAUGH - YOU GOT IT

Post by observer on Wed May 06, 2015 9:28 pm

Tough job you've given yourself, retired!
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