The Sermon

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The Sermon

Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:02 pm

The Sermon
>
> A small reform synagogue had a very attractive big-busted organist,
> Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled
> while she played the organ.
>
> Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably The
> sisterhood ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
> about this or they would have to get another organist.
>
> So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the
> problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and
> rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them
> to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green
> persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker
> up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
>
> The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
>
> The following Shabbat morning the Rabbi walked up to the pulpit and
> said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a
> thermion.”
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Sermon

Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:02 pm

Picture this in your mind !!!


An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket as he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Sermon

Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:03 pm

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs,
he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven, said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Walmart either!"
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Sermon

Post by retired2 on Sat Apr 04, 2015 11:04 pm

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST YET.......BLIND BUNNY


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and
tripped
over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little
nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're
soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail
and
a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold,
you're slippery, and you have no balls...
You must be a
"POLITICIAN"
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: The Sermon

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum