Fifty Shades of Golf

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Fifty Shades of Golf

Post by retired2 on Thu Feb 26, 2015 3:36 pm


Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

" She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she'd been reading ‘ 50 Shades of Grey’... and o n the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So... Here I am!"
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fifty Shades of Golf

Post by retired2 on Thu Feb 26, 2015 3:37 pm

Paraprosdokians(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.








1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.





2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.





3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.





4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.





5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.





6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.





7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.





8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.





9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.





10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.





11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .





12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.





13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.





14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.





15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.





16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.





17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.





Spread the Laughter


Share the Cheer


Let's Be Happy


While We're here!!


(I think beer should be mentioned here some where)
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fifty Shades of Golf

Post by retired2 on Thu Feb 26, 2015 3:44 pm

Laws Not Taught In Physics...




1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.




2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.




3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.




4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.




5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.




6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.




7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.




8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!




9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.




10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.




11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.




12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.




13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.




14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.




15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.




16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!




17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!




18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.






If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!
avatar
retired2
Bonfire Tilter

Posts : 5971
Join date : 2012-02-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Fifty Shades of Golf

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum