You're An EXTREME Redneck When

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You're An EXTREME Redneck When

Post by retired2 on Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:08 pm

You're An EXTREME Redneck When
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> 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
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> 2 .The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
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> 3 .You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
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> 4 .You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
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> 5 .You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
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> 6 .Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
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> 7 .You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
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> 8 .Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
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> 9 .Your junior prom offered day care.
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> 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
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> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
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> 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
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> 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
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> 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
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> 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
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> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
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> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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> And in closing....
> Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
> After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
> The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
>
> NOW ALL Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
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Re: You're An EXTREME Redneck When

Post by retired2 on Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:11 pm

The Stud



Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gate.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.


You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back
as priests. “


“What'll it be?" The first priest asked, "I've always wanted to be an
eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."


“So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.


The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count' St. Peter?"


”No , as I told you the computer is down, so there's no way we can keep
track of what you are doing.”


" In that case" says the second priest, “I've always wanted to be a stud."





"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.


"Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.


"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles.


But the second one could prove to be more difficult. ”


“Why” asks the Lord.


“HE'S ON A SNOW TIRE SOME WHERE IN THE NORTH
.” I THINK IT'S CALLED
SUDBURY ONTARIO
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Re: You're An EXTREME Redneck When

Post by retired2 on Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:11 pm

VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT






Looking forward to the elections are we!





THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!





(And it does not matter which country you are resident in!)


While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.
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