Oxymorons - know what those are?

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Oxymorons - know what those are?

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:59 pm

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?



25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?



27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?


29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

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Re: Oxymorons - know what those are?

Post by observer on Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:00 am

GREEK LEGAL SYSTEM ?


it's all Greek to me ??!!

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in

Greece , but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge

That since she had brought the children into this world,

She should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge

Asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair

And replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending

Machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to

Me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH......

HE WON !!!
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Re: Oxymorons - know what those are?

Post by observer on Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:03 am

Men’s Logic



A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.


Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she laboured away, she snapped, “I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, “Where's my plate?”

"Huh? I thought you were out of town"
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Re: Oxymorons - know what those are?

Post by observer on Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:08 am

Subject: WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.



___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Re: Oxymorons - know what those are?

Post by observer on Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:09 am

.
Pregnant Turkey
*This is priceless - would love to do this.*

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep.....she's blonde!!!!!!
Enjoy your day!



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