Where ya from, Fred.....

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Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:15 pm


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving,
Fred replied; "The balcony".......
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:17 pm

Japanese Hotel Service


A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'

The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:18 pm

MEN IN HEAVEN



When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."


Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.


The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household ! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose ! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."


God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"


The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:19 pm

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.
Finally,
the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,'
he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky,
but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a time, someone asked,
'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded,
'$5,000 for a male brain;
$200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity,
finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain
so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, '
It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'


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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:19 pm

Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist, who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water.



He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.



Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.



It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.



I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:24 pm


Maybe you've seen these before, but they ARE funny!

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Mumbles please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.


---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------


There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm! So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f-----g stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:52 pm

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask me for assistance."

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in !

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt'…"

"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, "You wouldn't have an eraser, would you?…"
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:53 pm

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph.Mayday, mayday!!" The controller in the tower had him put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!". He began his series of questions. Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me". Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me". Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??" Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by retired2 on Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:58 pm

You hit the jackpot ob. well done
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by observer on Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:05 pm

Cleaning out my email files!
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

Post by retired2 on Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:17 pm

Keep them coming
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Re: Where ya from, Fred.....

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