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Post by retired2 on Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:28 am

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already inplace. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
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Post by retired2 on Mon Apr 02, 2012 12:55 pm

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
=======================================
FLYING SOLO
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm sitting."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me:
Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . .. "
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Post by Cuttin Bait on Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:00 pm








Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl.






He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of Canada .

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.


Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was,



'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,

My pants as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,

And keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and

Screw me the way you have retirees,

Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent !'

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Post by retired2 on Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:15 pm

a bagpiper 580207494
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Post by kishgo on Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:41 pm

WHERE do you find this stuff? Hilarious!
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Post by Rick Wisson on Mon Apr 02, 2012 9:16 pm

Smile
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Post by gale force on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:13 am

lol! Another good start to my day!! a bagpiper 21574504
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Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 03, 2012 9:29 am

News Flash from our West Coast


Vancouver (CP)
The Canadian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the West coast of British Columbia . This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away from, but towards China . Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Canadians who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to China so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey West.

We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come too.
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Post by observer on Tue Apr 03, 2012 9:49 am

bounce
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Post by Rick Wisson on Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:41 pm

Shocked
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Post by Cuttin Bait on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:06 pm

Returned Tax Form









<BLOCKQUOTE>






















<BLOCKQUOTE style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt">

















<BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: 1.5pt solid; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 3pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt; MARGIN-LEFT: 3pt; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-TOP: 0in">

Can you believe it?

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependants?"







I replied -


2.1 million illegal immigrants,


1.1 million crack heads,


4.4 million unemployable people,


901 thousand people in over 85 prisons,


and 650 idiots in Parliament.



Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?
</BLOCKQUOTE>

I couldnt resist

</BLOCKQUOTE></BLOCKQUOTE>
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Post by Rick Wisson on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:58 pm

affraid
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