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Post by retired2 on Sat Mar 17, 2012 12:26 pm

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. O'Malley was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. O'Malley
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. O'Malley, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'
=================================
Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat shocked and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

The accountant replies, "That still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken farmer it is.."
==========================================
Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...



Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat

Parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...


George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Bren and his damn hengliding!'
================================
Returned Mail...CanadianCensus
Can you believe it?

They sent my Census form back to me!
In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependants?"


I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable people, 901,000 people in over 85 prisons, and 650 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?????
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Post by retired2 on Sat Mar 17, 2012 7:46 pm

How to stop annoying those assholes invading your space by
using cell phones in public

After a busy day I settled down on the subway train for the ride home.
Some guy sitting nearby hauled out his cell phone and started to
yap off (at very high volume) annoying everybody around him up.
"Hi darling it's Martin, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30
not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from
Human Resources with the boss....., no darling you're the only one in
my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" blah, blah, bloody loud,
bloody boring blah.
Station after station this was still going on and on.
When, God bless her, the quick thinking young woman opposite, driven
beyond limits of endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Martin..... Turn that bloody phone off, get back into this bed and
screw the three of us again"
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Post by Rick Wisson on Sat Mar 17, 2012 8:03 pm

Cool
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Post by retired2 on Sat Mar 17, 2012 8:09 pm

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish
Confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: 'fallen'.
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had 'fallen'.
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
Years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after, the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor.
You can't believe how many people come into
The confessional talking about having fallen!'

The mayor started to laugh,
Realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain,
The priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
'I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week.
===================================
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f...ing Chihuahua ?!"
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Post by observer on Sat Mar 17, 2012 8:24 pm

They're all funny - but I got real chuckle out of the chihuaha!
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Post by retired2 on Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:01 pm

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his

Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the
natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught
them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a
walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk
a little further and
he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."


The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the
results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek
over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of
heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and
quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at
the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be
kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold
blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."


ENJOY
YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody
else's bicycle.
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