Open with care

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Open with care

Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:16 pm

My boss was not at work and he phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day.

I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, What is it?"

"Could you pick up the pace a little? I'm in the foursome behind you."
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Re: Open with care

Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:16 pm

"Just Another Pun"



So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.



Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make
me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.
He says: "My Wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... ...Just follow the yellowdick Toad!"
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Re: Open with care

Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:17 pm


For the edification of the Humor Group
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.


The winners are:


1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.


3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.


6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.


7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.


15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


The winners are:


1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.


4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.


8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.


12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
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Re: Open with care

Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:18 pm


ONLY IN ARIZONA

A lady was telling her neighbour that she
saw a man driving a pick-up truck down
the interstate, and a dog was hanging
onto the tailgate for dear life!
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't
been going so fast in the other direction,
she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbour saw
this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.

The pick-up truck driver is a local ARIZONA
taxidermist with a great sense of humour!

Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!

And it is not a dog in the 1st Place;
IT IS A COYOTE.

Can you imagine how many
people tried to stop this guy?

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Re: Open with care

Post by retired2 on Tue Apr 30, 2013 6:13 pm

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.........I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'


The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
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