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Post by retired2 on Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:43 pm

Rearrange the letters below to spell out
an important part of the human body;
which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I


.
.
.
.
.
.
The Two People who wrote SPINE
became doctors...........

The Rest of you are all my friends.........
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Post by retired2 on Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:43 pm

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX



REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories

Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................. 8 Calories

With one hand....................................12 Calories

With your teeth.................................485 Calories


PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories

Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories


POSITIONS:

Missionary....................................12 Calories

69 lying down...............................78 Calories

69 standing up..............................812 Calories

Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories

Doggy Style..................................326 Calories

Italian Chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real.........................................112 Calories

Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories

Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories


GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

18-29 years......................................36 Calories

30-39 years......................................80 Calories

40-49 years.....................................124 Calories

50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories

60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****

70 and over........................Results are still pending


DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly..........................................32 Calories

In a hurry.......................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories

With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories


Results may vary.
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Post by retired2 on Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:47 pm

My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?"
I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day."
"Great! Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, boss. What?"
"Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"

When you have an
'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacyand go to the
Thermometer section and purchase
A rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
Doors, draw the curtains and
Disconnect the phone so
You will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable
Clothing and sit in your favorite
Chair. Open the package and
Remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
Or a surface so that it will not
Become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
The box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
Print there is this statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer
Made by Johnson & Johnson
Is personally tested
And then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat
Out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
Quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!


If you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work
For Johnson and Johnson!


Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

Gunshot to the Head



Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws And while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed. Both of her hands were behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot In the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough had hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was in 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.


These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many,
many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I was almost married."

The first guy says in amazement,

"Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Yes, I went to a doctor and
he told me that if I speak slowly I
will not stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how
he was almost married.
"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on
her porch and the dog was scratching his
back and I told her that when we are
married, she can do that for me. And then
she threw the ring in my face."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the
first friend.
"Well, I speak so slowly, that by the
time she looked at the dog, he was
licking his balls!"
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Post by Rick Wisson on Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:53 pm

cheers Retireds Back.
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Post by Rick Wisson on Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:59 pm

By any chance did you bring any picture's of the ladies back from Vegas to share.
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Post by observer on Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:00 pm

You mean the ones they hand out on the street corners - and just basically on the streets, Rick?

There's a joke about that, isn't there? The Jewish mothers who talk about how much money they get from their sons: - 1 is a doctor; 1 is a lawyer; and 1 has a chicken ranch?
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Post by retired2 on Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:04 pm

CIA Position

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S.O.B. to death with the chair!"
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Post by retired2 on Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:07 pm

Rick Wisson wrote:By any chance did you bring any picture's of the ladies back from Vegas to share.
I'm offended you would think I would stoup to smut like that. I only collected a few thousand to keep them off the side walk
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Post by Rick Wisson on Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:16 pm

retired2 wrote:
Rick Wisson wrote:By any chance did you bring any picture's of the ladies back from Vegas to share.
I'm offended you would think I would stoup to smut like that. I only collected a few thousand to keep them off the side walk
..Opps Im sure You did your duty to keep the pictures off the street corners. Im talking about the private ones.
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